The War Of The Bag Ladies
The birthday Party had just broken up and the busboys were filling the dumpster with leftover goodies. The bag lady noticed a large piece of strawberry shortcake on a paper platter and quickly devoured it. She then washed it down with a half full can of punch. The party was a happy one for everybody including herself. It was now time for her afternoon nap. She was ready to open her umbrella to shield her from the hot L.A. Sun when a giant bag lady hovered over her. At first she thought she was having a hallucination caused by the excessive heat, but it became real when she was kicked in the ribs. The giant then spoke and said she was a collector for Crazy Momma and that all bag ladies in L.A. had to pay weekly dues for the privilege of dumpster diving. The giant woman then stuck out her hand and asked for ten dollars. The extended hand was quickly broken by a karate chop and the giant’s eyes were gouged. The giant was now on the floor begging for mercy. The bag lady then asked where Crazy Mama lived, and was told that she resides next to an oversized dumpster at the head of Santa Monica Boulevard, and was guarded by seven of her daughters. She said that they were all heavily addicted to drugs and that they would kill to support their habit. The giant apologized for her criminal behavior and asked for forgiveness. She said that she really wasn’t a bad woman and would like to spend the rest of her days peacefully sharing the dumpster. The bag lady said that the dumpster is holy and it is open to all hearts that are pure. The giant thanked her and got ready for a long stay.
The bag lady was angered that her peaceful life had been disturbed. She had been living a most humble and innocent lifestyle until Crazy Momma and her seven daughters changed it. If it wasn’t for her expertise in the Martial Arts she would not have been able to protect herself. But she knew that there were many bag ladies that could not stand up against the ruthlessness of Crazy Momma and it was her duty to protect them. The bag lady meditated for three days and then a familiar voice in the night gave her the plan that would restore the dignity of the dumpster and remove the evil forces that had contaminated them.
She visited every dumpster in the city and spoke to every bag lady. They all told stories of how they were beaten, then forced to beg in the streets for the dues that Crazy Mamma demanded. Most of them were free spirited women that never begged before. Many had left abusive husbands to find their freedom in dumpster diving. Now it was all taken away from them by Crazy Momma and her seven daughters. They were all furious and were glad to have the opportunity to march down to Crazy Mommas dumpster and remove her from power.
There were more than five hundred raggedy women with brooms and metal pipes in their hands marching down Santa Monica Boulevard toward the oversized dumpster where Crazy Momma and her seven daughters lived. At the head of the parade was bag lady, she was playing marching music on her harmonica. When they got there a wild battle ensued. The daughters fought like tigers but were soon beaten to the ground. Crazy Momma suffered a broken jaw and began crying like a baby. The battle was over, and upon threat of a bigger beating Crazy Momma and her seven daughters signed into a drug rehabilitation center. They promised that when they were released they would live their lives out as peaceful dumpster divers.
There were more than enough goodies for both of them. They took turns diving into the dumpster and never got in each others way. The giant woman and the bag lady became good friends, and later discovered that they both had Masters Degrees in social science. The giant was born in Alaska and dreamed of living in a warm climate without a care. Her dreams came true when she started dumpster diving in L.A. But she was then forced into slavery by Crazy Momma until set free by the bag lady whose name is Roxbury. The giant was terrific on the drums and she used the metal dumpster to hammer out a tune, and with Roxbury playing the harmonica they became an attraction that brought out crowds to hear them play.
She was no longer called Crazy Momma when she and her seven daughters were released from the drug rehabilitation center. Her real name was June and they were all feeling good. They owed something to Roxbury and they had to thank her.
It was a sight to behold. Roxbury, June, and the seven daughters were holding hands as they happily danced in a circle. The music was supplied by Giant as she banged away on the dumpster. There was more than enough food to feed them all. Roxbury invited them to stay on permanently, and they all accepted her offer.
http://360.yahoo.com/melvin_polatnick
About the Author: Retired and single recluse
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Print Article | Download PDF | 216 views | Aug 13 2007
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