Ex-Husbands, Wives and Their Guilt
I was extremely honored recently to be a guest on the radio program "Tell the Truth, Faster" (www.tellthetruthfaster.com). During the program an ex-wife phoned in having a shared complaint about her ex-husband. She did not like the way he would overwhelm their grandchildren each year with mountains of Christmas presents. She shared how this gave her up emotions of inadequacy for her because she would only buy her grand-children a gift a piece. Then she began to talk about how rich her time was with the little ones during her visits each year, and every inch of fun they enjoyed with eachother, applying make-up, playing sports, and just being together.
At the beginning I took her side searching the different perspectives. I offered her the possibility that her PRESENCE is more of a PRESENT to her grandchildren than any store-bought gifts. Together we then looked at her feelings of inadequacy and where they might be coming from. And then we discussed what might possibly be going on for her ex-husband.
The caller chose to share how her ex-husband had left her for another woman and his last words were something like, "I will never be forgiven and it is wrong but im doing it.". After I listened to that, it wasnt too difficult to decide that he is motivated largely out of a sense of guilt and shame around his choices and behaviors. And it also told me why the caller was so overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy she was picking up on HIS feelings as much as, if not more so, her own feelings.
The Geiger Counter Phenomenon is a term used for experiencing others emotions. A Geiger counter is a machine that buzzes like crazy when it is close to anything that may be radioactive. We have a similar device, we usually feel it in our stomach, and it gives off strong emotions when it encounters those same emotions we find in others close to us. This is a highly effective tool when we know about it and how to use it.
According to Fred Keyser and Heidi Fox, in their book Making it Safe to Love, Its not just being near someone elses emotions that lights up our Geiger Counter but specifically being near the emotions they themselves are unaware of, that make it buzz! The woman who called felt so much inadequacy was most likely feeling her ex-husband's feelings.
Once you comprehend that you are getting a wealth of info about anyone that is around you, there are many options you have in the circumstance as opposed to getting reactive and/or down on yourself.
Action Step: If you ever find yourself having strong emotions triggered by somebody's behaviors around you, try the following steps: 1. Breathe in your gut (or wherever the feelings are the strongest) and ask yourself to name the feelings you are experiencing (fear, anger, doubt, inadequacy, . . .) 2. Try to recall those feelings and see if they are true for you only look for facts and see if you have any reason to feel scared, angry, inadequate, etc. 3. Explore the possibility that the person around you may be hiding these feelings just under the surface and not even know they are there. 4. Envision yourself circled by a circle of love and compassion. Recognize that in that moment you are 100% protected and okay. Visualize yourself redirecting those negative thoughts to the person around you, while having compassion for them and their lack of awareness about whats going on for them.
If you take responstibity and claim all the feelings that are actually yours and not believing what you get from other people, you get to experience the power of being present for yourself and the other person in the moment, and also you get to be free from what used to set your emotions and make you feel like there was something messed about you.
Many years after a divorce, couples are still very connected and triggered by each other, and this is largely to do with how they have picked up on each others emotions and taking them for years. This process will do wonders towards setting you free from the hooks of the past that still trigger you.
About the Author: Emily Bouchard offers a free newsletter to help blended families.
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Print Article | Download PDF | 169 views | Mar 17 2007
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