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Taking my date through an Israeli security services lie detector…
by Jarvis StevensI was on holiday in Blackpool when I picked up my first advice on finding love. While waiting for my sister to recover after her stomach churning rollercoaster ride, I stuck 20p into a Love-O-Meter outside a sports pub. After my coi... The Story of St. Patrick
Miserable BoyhoodFirst off, St. Patrick wasn't even Irish. He was born somewhere in Britain. (Mental note: delete the red hair; insert pasty complexion and bad teeth.) He was captured as a lad and hauled off to Ireland as a slave, where the loathsome... Our Baby: The Grape
My wife and I are only about six weeks into this pregnancy thing and we're still trying to wrap our heads around this whole idea of having a baby, though we have wildly different thoughts on the subject. I'm worried about whether or not we'll be abl... Grilled Cheese Madonna
I just figured out how to make grilled cheese sandwhiches on my George Forman grill. I gotta tell you that I love that thing - about my half my meals in 2005 were cooked courtesy of that former boxer's genius, which means if not for him I'd be only h... Valentine's Day for Dummies
Saint Valentine's Day rolls around just once a year. And if you've been married as long as I have, your chances for sex don't come much more often. 'There's always next year' is a fine mantra for a Cubs fan or a Libertarian, but not for a lover. So d... Glowing Green Pigs
Scientists have discovered that by injecting fetal pig embryos with phosphorescent dyes the adult pigs will have green skin and glow in the dark. All I can about this is: Well, it's about time! I can't count the number of times I needed to find my pi... How I Feel About Pirates
Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other people. The only people that should get to steal booty from other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And get to say, 'Arrrrr!' whenever I want.Pirates are GOOD because when I do pretend ... Good News for Goofballs
I've found that there's a gap in the set of self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering waf... Twelve Simple Rules for Sucking Less Than 'Eight Simple Rules'
America is a country of sitcom watchers. We all like a nice chuckle now and again, but unfortunately the good shows are outnumbered, outgunned, overwhelmed, and often obliterated by the bad.In an effort to stem the tide of inane, sugary pap gushing d... A meowing of Cats
Here's a tip for next Christmas, if you have a cat: Hang the bottom branches of your tree with cat toys. That way your feline will be delighted and you won't be irritated by it constantly knocking down and destroying your prized Christmas ornaments. ...
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